"Your Customized Lust Plan"

Yup, you read that right.

Last Sunday, we were blessed to witness the baptism of my oldest nephew, Drew.

We were also blessed to be touched by an amazing sermon.

Let me give you a bit of background.

I have a beautiful son. I can't imagine life without this sweet person. I can't divulge my emotions without shedding grateful, albeit painful, tears.

For someone that has not experienced infertility or even loss, I don't think it can be truly understood. It feels as though each milestone is bittersweet.

"Will I ever have another child to hold... to breastfeed... to snuggle with... to carry on my hip... to watch grow?"

Since Elias has been born, many people have made flippant comments that we will get pregnant or that they "know" we'll have another child.

I heard those kind of comments a lot during our four year struggle to get pregnant. I have learned how to ignore them, but I can't ignore the lingering thoughts in my own brain. I can't help wondering what if & hoping & praying.

Oh, back to my customized lust plan.

So, we're sitting in the fourth or fifth row enjoying the worship music. In the front row, I notice a gorgeous little boy. I found out later his name is Ezra. He's got light brown skin & black tousled hair.

"Aww, he's cute..." is my immediate thought. Then I noticed his adorable, older sister. She's sporting a frilly top that is just too cute. I am a sucker for cute kids & glanced at them from time to time during the songs.

Shortly after the baptism, the children left the main service to attend the kids groups. Little Ezra & his sister turn to head out along with their mother.

Their very pregnant mother.

And the only thought I have is...

"Why can't that be me? Why does everyone else get to be pregnant when they want to be? Why can't I have more children?"

{It's hard for me to admit all those on here. It feels as though I will be judged for not just being appreciative of the perfect little person in my life; it goes without saying that I am. He is so incredible & I'm in love with him & motherhood. So in love, that I want more of these little people in my life.}

I couldn't stop thinking about it. About her. About the kids.

About my empty belly.

Then, the sermon starts. The pastor brought out some crazy thoughts from the infamous scene in Genesis. The serpent tempting Eve. About how everyone has something that gets them. About how we can be judgmental towards others "I'd never do THAT!" or "How in the world could he do THAT?". How our sins aren't as bad as someone else's sins... even though each sin is equal. Murder, theft, gossip.

We all struggle with our own temptation. Hence, our own customized lust plan.

He began listing several "acceptable" sins or temptations.

And there was mine... Have you guessed it?








JEALOUSY.

Ouch.

Yes, jealous of pretty much every woman or couple I hear of that have gotten pregnant w/out assistance. I try to ignore the pain & frustration, because I am truly happy for (most of) the parents-to-be. The one that didn't even know she was pregnant. The one that wasn't even "trying". The one that doesn't even appreciate the current children she has.

Aiy. Sorry this seems to be such a glum posting, but it was so touching to me. Even though I have become a mother, infertility is still a very painful heart-ache. And I still have to deal with my bitterness, disappointment, & jealousy. And I have to daily ask for strength to overcome this.

And trust that no matter what or WHO God may have in store for me... He will work it all for good. And take every day, every snuggle, every smile, every diaper change, every rocking-to-sleep-session, every kiss for the miracle it truly is. I am blessed beyond belief. I never would have imagined to have such an incredible life. And I love it. And I need to remember how blessed I am!

Here's some recent photos of my sweet little blessing!

[This was such a cute moment... he woke up from an hour plus nap on my belly with fuzzy hair & a goofy grin!]

[Even though he was upset about something, he didn't hesitate to flash a HUGE Bardin smile for me!]

[He just tasted avocado & didn't really care for it!]

{Please pray a bit for me this week... I will be attempting the NCLEX-RN to receive my licensure as a Registered Nurse in the State of Florida. It's a big ole expensive important stressful test & I'd sure appreciate your prayers & thoughts. Thanks, in advance!}